FLORIDA, (AP) - Dapper Gators coach Billy Donovan is one of the many basketball coaches famous for being very well dressed at all times. But dapper Donovan is now sporting a very new look that will soon be made public. The reason? The Florida branch of the influential Florida Association of Redneck Trash (FART), a little known but powerful organization with its regional office based out of a rundown shack in central Florida, decided they did not like Donovan’s pinstriped corporate executive style and that a change was overdue.

“He don’t represent us like he should” said Cletus Buford, president of the Association in an exclusive interview. “He’s been in Florida fer a long time now and he STILL looks like some New York EXECUTIVE! Look at them fancy shoes with them little tassels on ‘em! Folks where we come from don’t even WEAR shoes! And those city boy suits! He’s been here long enough. It’s time fer him to look like he belongs here! Too high ‘n mighty!”

At first, Coach Donovan just laughed contemptuously, and when asked about his thoughts at a press conference, pointed at his dapperly attired feet. "What am I supposed to do? Do they expect me to take these off and coach in my bare feet? Nothing is going to turn ME into a bubba! I'm happy in my business suits!"

But this is a very powerful group of good ol’ boys. They took Donovan’s patronizing attitude as a challenge. Buford announced: “I think Mister Donovan is gonna find out that his fancy, shiny, expensive shoes are feelin’ a LITTLE too tight and that he’s gonna feel the need to take ‘em off his yuppie feet. We’re just gonna help him!”

The group has strong ties with Florida’s politicians, and the Gators management did not say anything when a meeting was arranged with Donovan. Threats of boycotts and protests remain unsubstantiated. The stunned coach left the emergency meeting with the association in their trailer in a local swamp with a list indicating a new dress code that they assume he will follow.

Donovan went into seclusion and refused interviews, but Buford confirmed later that he has personally divested the coach of a pair of Gucci loafers and a Hermes necktie at the height of a contentious discussion.

Donovan spends final moments alone with wardrobe

What will that mean for the Gators from now on? Will Donovan’s record as a coach also “go south” along with his Armani suits? Will fans and players respect a shoeless, bearded, trailer trash Donovan as they did when he dressed like a dignified stockbroker? And will this start a trend among basketball coaches, known for their expensive suits? Just when football coaches are starting to question their own laid-back look, maybe they are trading places? As for Donovan, he appeared today at an auction; FART auctioned off all of his business attire yesterday to raise money for FART to donate to NASCAR.

Miami, FL - NFL medical advisers notified commissioner Roger Goodell that Dolphins running back Ricky Williams tested positive for marijuana in April and will not be allowed to apply for reinstatement to the NFL until September...or until he finishes his Hefty Bag^® full of weed, sources said.

Williams, who was suspended last year for violating the substance abuse policy, and was eligible to be reinstated this month, issued a statement to The Associated Press in between hits of some killer shit on his water pipe:

A Scene from Ricky Williams Aerobics Video

"I am an honest, God-fearing man who is intensely dedicated to being the best person I can be, on and off the football field, as well as to getting stoned to the bajeebers every chance I get. When the time is right, and I am out of weed, God willing, I will be able to get some more or I will be back on the field scoring touchdowns for whatever team is fortunate enough to believe in me until the time I can score some dope again."

"Falling off the wagon is part of rehab," William’s psychiatrist Dr Steven Lipshitz said. "Based on the medical evidence, of which there is none but my opinion...and mostly the huge Rastafarian joint in Ricky's mouth, it's too early for him to come back. Remember, he's been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder -- that's a real, made up disease like having an ill timed flaccid penis or being gay was 30 years ago until we psychiatrists decided being gay was not a disease any more so we took a vote and now it’s not. Well, a good percentage of folks self-medicate with substances like marijuana. Only when he substitutes his dependence on marijuana for a dependence on Paxil or Zoloft which I prescribe will he be cured. Did I show you this great pen I got from the Zoloft sales guy? He promised to buy me dinner tonight. The guy who sells Ricky weed hasn’t given me so much as a coffee mug."

Ricky Williams Reefer Madness

Williams, who turns 30 on May 21, has played only 12 games since 2003 but has managed to smoke at least an acre of ganja in that time. Before his latest setback, new Miami coach Cam Cameron repeatedly declined to say whether he would welcome Williams back. He added “I like to party as much as the next guy, but can’t Ricky stick with alcohol like the rest of us. Budweiser is a big NFL sponsor for Christ’s sake. At the least he could get some Xanax from Dr Lipshitz. I love that shit.”

The NFL suspended Williams in April 2006 after he violated the league's drug policy for the fourth time. That failed test apparently involved a substance other than marijuana and may have been related to his interest in holistic medicine as well has his willingness to swallow or smoke anything to get high.

Last year Williams played in the Canadian Football League, then taught yoga in California. William agent, Leigh Steinberg recently quoted Williams as saying, "his interest in Eastern philosophy had overcome his desire for mind-altering substances." Steinberg then burst into laughter.

Williams still owes the Dolphins $8.6 million for breaching his contract when he sat out the 2004 season, but they've given no signal they want him back. He also owes his dealer 75 bucks for a lid he scored last week as well as $11.75 his neighbor let him borrow to pay for a large Domino’s pepperoni pizza he ate after a horrible episode of the munchies.

"I appreciate all the support I have received from my fans," Williams added in his statement, "and I assure all others that I am strong, clean, and happily preparing myself for a triumphant return to the NFL. But right now I need to chill. I am gonna settle back, relax, put on some Floyd and enjoy a bit of the chronic. Hey…can you spot me 12 bucks for a pizza and call Dr Lipshitz? Tell him I got a cold and won’t be there today."